Friday, June 3, 2011

My Husband is Gay - What's Next?

You Discovered You Have a Gay Husband
Get Help When Your Husband is Gay

Your worst nightmare has materialized - you've discovered your husband is gay. He has either admitted it himself, or perhaps, even worse, you received the shock of your life by finding undeniable proof. Any marital crisis is awful, but the discovery that you have a gay husband can throw your whole world into a tailspin.
The collapse of a marriage can cause a horrible array of feelings: shame, disappointment, anger and loneliness among them. But when a marriage fails because of a gay husband who's withheld the truth, a debilitating form of powerlessness can strike. In addition to the normal emotional roller coaster, your very womanhood has been rejected. The identity crisis in the spouse who's "come out" can trickle down to the one trampled in its wake.

your Husband is Gay
The Impact on Your Self-Esteem

Anecdotal evidence suggests that divorces due to the discovery of a gay husband are on the rise. Figures from the 2001 U.S. Census estimate that as many as 4 million Americans may now be married to a gay husband or wife living a double lifestyle. In the years since this data was released, gay culture has become more mainstream and acceptable. TV shows like "Will and Grace" and popular movies like "Brokeback Mountain" have made the admission of a gay husband less taboo.
If there is any good news during this time of personal crisis, take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. The number of women living with a gay husband is increasing.
The shame a woman feels, upon discovering her husband is gay, is enough to drive her into the closet too. You may feel like you've entered a waking nightmare. Not only has the realization that your husband is gay shattered everything you've believed about your marriage, but now you may question if your love and commitment ever existed!

This uncertainty adds a whole new layer of grief while you mourn not only your gay husband but your sexual identity too.
Don't be surprised if you find yourself tormented by the following questions:
What does having a gay husband mean for my life going forward?
If he's attracted to other men, did my gay husband ever love me?
While we were intimate, was he fantasizing about gay sex?
What's wrong with me?  Am I unattractive?  Could I have prevented this?
Repeat this to yourself, as silly as it sounds, until you believe it: "I did NOT create a gay husband."

A Gay Husband in a Straight Marriage
Why Marry a Woman if a Husband is Gay?

After the bomb has been dropped and you've discovered your husband is gay, "Why?" may be your simplest and often-asked question.
Modern society has come a long way since the 1950s when actors like Rock Hudson appeared in romantic roles with glamorous actresses to cover up the socially unacceptable truth. And yet today there are still a number of reasons why a gay husband would marry a straight wife:
Professional identity - Your gay husband may be tempted to hide his sexuality under the veil of a "straight" marriage if he's afraid that coming out will nix his career. Politicians like former Idaho Senator Larry Craig may come to mind here.
Family and Children - Your spouse may have felt that admitting the truth about himself would complicate his efforts to raise a family. If your husband is gay, he may have kept it hidden because of the stigma surrounding a gay husband in your community.
Genuine affection - It may be hard to accept this, but your gay husband probably married you because he loved you. He enjoyed your company and felt genuine affection for you. Knowing this can make the pain of separation even more difficult, because sometimes it's easier to move on when there's no love between a couple at all.

My Husband is Gay
Can This Marriage Be Saved?

There is nothing simple at all about discovering you have a gay husband. So it stands to reason that there are no "one size fits all" answers. It is certain, however, that your marriage cannot be saved through the efforts of one spouse alone. Both partners must be willing to be faithful and committed - and do the work required to regain your trust. A trained Life Coach can work with you and your gay husband to determine if your marriage can be saved, or if divorce is the best option instead.
Whatever you decide in the long run, you'll have immediate concerns when your gay husband confesses:
♦ Once you realize your husband is gay, if you're uncertain that he has been faithful, get a full STD screening with blood tests. Call your family doctor as soon as possible.
♦ Do not delay in seeking counseling, as you, especially, will need it. When you make an appointment with a Life Coach at our office (we work with clients worldwide by phone) please mention that your husband is gay. We will help you develop a plan to move forward.

My Husband is Gay
What Do I Tell my Children?

If you and your gay husband produced children throughout the course of your marriage, you must tread carefully here. Though you may feel wounded, angry and hurt, you must take every measure to minimize the impact on your young ones.
Adult problems like having a gay husband are often misunderstood by children, no matter how old they may be. Many kids internalize the instability and unhappiness in their homes, blaming themselves for things that could never be their fault. Now that you know your husband is gay, you'll need teamwork for the sake of your offspring. As difficult as this might seem at this juncture, your gay husband must now be your ally.
When discussing the possibility of divorcing your gay husband, it isn't necessary, and may even be detrimental, to share the details with your children. The simple fact that their parents may split will be traumatic enough, regardless. A professional Life Coach can help you strategize about how much, or how little, to say.

Moving Forward from a Life with a Gay Husband
Will I Ever Learn to Trust a Man Again?

Confronting the fact that your husband is gay can be such a devastating process, you may wonder if there's any hope for an honest, loving relationship in your future. The temptation to grow bitter when discovering a gay husband may seem overwhelming at times.
You may never forget the pain your gay husband caused you, but it is possible to forgive and move on. With some luck and some intelligent planning, you may even find a greater love next. We can't say this enough and speak from experience: It is critical to your long-term emotional well-being that you seek assistance from a trained professional.

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